NEAR the Geekiest I’ve Been….
In the grim darkness of the future, there is only WAR… — Warhammer 40,000 tagline
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! — Ork philosophy
If you know me you’d know not to be shocked to hear I love just about all things nerd you can name. I’ve been into anime before I knew they weren’t just cartoons, I was a gamer prior to having a tangible memory to speak of, books were sometimes my only true friends those days I was too grounded to play outside or visit others houses. Given this reality, it’s not a stretch to assume that tabletop or imagination based versions of games are just a perfect combination of two of those passions. I may not be great at it, sometimes not even having enough time or comrades who share it to play, but the passion burns beneath the cinders who smolder and smoke in the seeming ashes.
Fantasy is inherent to every crevice of my beloved hobbies, in one facet or another. From Middle Earth which influences just about the entire expanse of the culture, to Dungeons and Dragons which is another world based on Tolkien, I have been enmeshed in pointy ears and green skin longer than I’ve loved metal music. This is saying something; considering I’ve been nuts for Marylin Manson and KoRn for longer than was likely considered safe for my age, let’s just say geek is the only life I’ve known that was more deeply rooted than rock. Suffice it to say Power Metal is one of the best genres to me, due to the combination of the two great worlds put together into one great salad of sound and content.
All of this is meant to convey simply that elves and such are my bag, regardless of whether they’re in Rivendell or Starfleet. The more time passed in my youth the more ubiquitous it became, until I saw the parallels in just about every aspect of the scene. This all leads to one of the(in my opinion) greatest universes there are: Warhammer.
It is a game played by miniatures involving mock battles between armies, played by humans who simulate the choices and fights with dice rolls and measuring tape. It plays essentially like Dungeons and Dragons except with figurines you paint and assemble yourself, another huge hobby in and of itself, who do battle on a field which also can be fully imaginary or also painted and assembled! Armed with laser and ballistic weaponry, plasma and melta arms, small explosives and ordnance capable of leaving craters the size of entire buildings, the forces of humanity wage battle with aliens and each other equally. Fighting the foe from within and outside, each player is faced with endless armies and countless options within it. Likewise there are numerous opponents who have an innumerable list of possible outcomes and strategies, only limited by the imagination… and by a person’s financial assets.
A costly hobby to be certain, I’ve only ever played two skirmishes in my life; over the course of 2 decades of fandom I have yet to build a single miniature or marshal a squad much less a respectable fighting force. I was given a figure once, long since lost in my incessant wandering and nomadic life… a hero of my favorite army. Grandmaster Azrael, supreme commander of the Dark Angels legion. I can still see the silvery luster of the unfinished space marine in my mind’s eye, pristine in its plastic and cardboard packaging. The only items from the game I could ever afford myself was the rulebook and respective codices of the marines I chose. At the time these texts alone cost me over 120 dollars, 17 years before this article was written. I have read and reread them, learning and inhaling what is likely no longer a remotely relevant edition. I soon accepted I was not capable of making the fiscal sacrifices nor the time and storage capacity needed to successfully build my battalion.
That said, from the first day I was exposed to the banefully bleak and gloriously grim artwork of the 41st millennium I was an instant convert. Coupled with the words to elucidate the setting I was witnessing, the decision was made: this is DEFINITELY my kind of universe. The universe itself was a nightmarish hellscape however, one I would likely rather be dead than exist a single day in. I’ll never forget that first White Dwarf( a WH publication) I opened and saw both the Dark Angels and Emperors Children featured within, both still the only two I realistically would ever play in earnest. It could arguably be considered my very first drink of the wine that is lore, a vintage that I to this day find myself ceaselessly addicted to at every level of my fandoms. I sipped it again and again on every page. Committed the concepts to memory. Before long I knew this was all I could do; books are less costly than a Terminator retinue, in modern times they can be free.
I have amassed more data on every corner of the game’s cosmos than the average player likely has, still only having played 2 battles since that day in 7th grade science where it all began. All the same, the craving to one day possess my own regiment lingers. Pathetically enough the only army I have ever used were called the “cheese marines”, a ragtag set of units little better than dumpster fodder spray painted fully bright yellow without regard for detailing. They were stored by the hobby shop I frequented for borrowing and temporary use within the building, for people like me too destitute to merit their own military. The floor was mopped with me and that set of measly miniatures with little effort by a small contingent of Grey Knights. Regardless I read like a famished man ate food, before I knew it I understood far more of Games Workshop’s futuristic fantasy fare than I did of most of my formal education.
The game has come a long way since then. From the almost fungal in nature and eternally growing plague of the Orks, fighting with ever increasing mass and height. To the ever expansive numbers of humanity who protect the god-emperor or slaughter to dethrone his dominion for the Chaos gods. I know a little about most of it, and know of most of it. But only to an extent, this shit is ABSURDLY deep and unnecessarily grandiose in scope. If you think your favorite novel series is big, I promise you that you’ve probably lost.
I’d explain to you the core concept of the the game beyond this and how 20 legions of space marines split for a religious war that also incorporates a xenomorph-like species of assimilating beasts, high elf tech-mystics, dark elf space pirates, eternally entombed cybernetic necro-pharaohs, warrior nuns, and more human assassins or soldiers(who love their tanks) than there is land to make graves for them… seriously like they die in the scores to assure victory. Oh, did I mention demons? Yeah there’s that too.
Wait till you find out why the Orks are the ultimate achievement by intelligent creators eons ago designed to rid the galaxy of a quite insurmountable evil.
Death to the False Emperor, though he also Protects…. despite the fact that he never wanted to be defied in the first place.
Signed,
Woodward Forest-Lich
