NEAR, or NEAR-er To The Root of Things…
"I'm NEVER happy…" - Firelord Zuko
I love Aang, but Zuko has always been my favorite character. Not sure why; I'm not rich or famous, or mistreated. I'm not even raised by an old man who is better than my abusive, all-powerful father after refusing to meet him in Agni Kai… Wait, where was I going with this? Right, Rufio… err Zuko. I guess more than anything, I relate to how he takes his less-than-enthusiastic approach to life and manages to keep it enough under control to not literally burn his life to pieces. Anyone who knows about dissatisfaction knows one of the toughest aspects of it being chronic… is having to pretend that you're not so, simply to appease those it would offend.
For those in the audience that are normal (read good) humans, you cannot possibly imagine the difficulty inherent in being utterly ornery but keeping a lid on it for the sake of others. People who wake up happy, stay that way, and go to sleep in the same condition without vomiting the hot acid of your stress on the world are bona-fide saints. You hear me grams??? You're a damned saint. I can't. I tried. It's not worth it. OK it is, but in the end the anguish of having to slow down my brain to be civilized to human beings on a daily basis is not oft worth the effort that's put into it.
Naturally, I'm not an omnipotent being so I am all-the-same obligated to abide by the social contract. Until the day comes where I can make pizza out of nothing, and never speak to another person again as I live with free internet and mortgage, I'm forced to "play nice". It's not like I want to be acerbic, it's reflex; akin to people who fist bump their friends rather than high five. I'm that type of person, just the jerky version of it. It's not like I kick people or trip the elderly as I walk by, it's closer to having little patience for things and others that take up time and energy needlessly. You'd be amazed how much of life qualifies as that: traffic, lines at fast food or supermarkets, I even get annoyed waiting to get on rides at theme parks.
Yes, I've seen "Cartmanland" from South Park. yes, I loved it and wish I could've done it too.
I'm not cruel or malicious, I just don't really like most things or people or ideas or groups… even when I engage with them. I keep quiet and have my headphones permanently on to make my misanthropic nature manageable, but I know the idea that I do this alone is enough to make normal people resentful. I'm not sorry, but I also get that it sucks to know people dislike you categorically just because that person can't find a way to be upbeat. Trust me, I've had to watch my entire family tree live this through my teens, it's not pleasant. The discomfort of me minding my business reading books and listening to music in a full table of people who are all getting along is palpable. Don't worry, cousins who never read this anyway, I was uncomfortable too and all I wanted was to be sent to my room just like you.
This isn't me whining that my life sucked. it was pretty ok as I told you in previous posts, the problem was me and everyone could tell. I sympathize with them. I inevitably stopped apologizing and making excuses for who I am. This isn't some grandstanding preface to some larger mission, in which I decided to either integrate or to rebel fully. I didn't… I just closed the door and stopped going out there… retreated into books, movies, and computers with all their possibilities over time.
Where am I going with this? Nowhere. which is where I figured I'd end up anyway if I'm afforded the ability to be blunt. Someone like me doesn't change things, they're broken under the wheel while resisting the flow of the stream. Therefore, much like many of my heroes of old, I planned to wait for the moment where the world decided to crush me for it's sadistically whimsical and apathetic glee and that would be the end of me. Or so I had concluded at age 15. A lot has changed since then, and the majority of things haven't at their core. I'm not dead yet though; don't worry Nemo, there's still two more years right?
Wait…
What does that mean…
Whoops, time's up…
Signed,
Woodward Forest-Lich
